Dr. K's Corner

by Dr. Rachel Kavanaugh, School Counselor

Somehow it is almost summer break! You did it! You might be relieved or maybe you’re wary about the changes to come in summer schedule, supervision, routine, and more. Similar to how many of us might also be feeling, many children are burning out due to a combination of reasons, and it can look like they are experiencing a regression or "backslide." 

Many of these kiddos are needing some extra TLC to support their coping as there are a lot of big feelings coming up about the school year ending (e.g., leaving teachers or classmates), new/unfamiliar experiences coming up (over the summer or even when entering a new grade), and a change in routine or schedules. You might be noticing increased rigidity, emotional sensitivity or dysregulation, and/or reassurance seeking. Given this pattern and that I have been contacted by caregivers, teachers, and students across all grades to offer support, I wanted to share some proactive and reactive strategies that might help, which I also shared with your child’s teachers.

Prior to reaching a point of defiance or an emotional meltdown, it is incredibly helpful to catch children "being good" ahead of time, using reinforcing, reminding, and redirecting language, and/or simply give them some brief (just a few minutes), positive one-on-one attention. This article, while written for teachers, provides some great examples of how to do this that you can try at home. 

The PRIDE Skills Model (Praise, Respect, Imitate, Describe, Enjoy) provides additional strategies that can be helpful for these types of moments. You can find helpful information about these strategies in both of the versions linked here: Caregiver; and Teacher. 

Additionally, when you have one-on-one time with your children, you can: 

• Share your own mixed feelings and thoughts about ending the school year, which can normalize and validate their experience 
• Identify big or small moments you were proud of your child (or saw that they were proud of themselves)
• Discuss ways your child can keep in touch with others as well as how you're confident in them growing and thriving next school year 

Another option for students, particularly in grades K-3, is to read books that address the mixed emotions that come up at the end of a school year, such as The Invisible String. This book helps children explore how they remain connected to people they care about (teachers and classmates) even if they won’t get to see them on a daily basis. If you’d like other book ideas, please feel free to contact me or our esteemed Librarian, Jen Levin!

Below are also some suggestions that can be helpful for you as you support your child during the "meltdown" moments:

1. Validate or attempt to name the feeling you see 
   1. For example: "It looks like you're feeling (frustrated, mad, sad, disappointed, excited, nervous) right now and that's okay"
   2. Some feelings might be too big still to even begin this step. A child might need more quiet time to calm their body and mind down first – you can say something like, "I will stay here and wait as you calm down, with a gentle body and indoor voice. It's okay to feel X."
      1. Use Selective Attention/Active Ignoring: Don't look, laugh, smile, or provide any type of negative attention to even mild oppositional behaviors, such as whining, interrupting, yelling, or tearing up papers (basically anything that does not cause harm to the child or you).
2. Offer 2-3 "helpful" choices or options (and practice these beforehand when everyone’s calm!)
   1. You can say, “Some helpful choices right now are... 
      1. Take a 1 or 2 min break (let them be a part of that timing decision process, and use a timer if it helps); you can sit with your head down, get a hug, or drink water.” 
      2. Do X first, then you can do Y.”
      3. To do X, Y, or Z. You also have a choice to do X, Y or Z with me or you can do it on your own.” You can follow that up with, "it can be hard to decide and if you don't pick, I will pick for you." 
   2. Highlight "Positive Opposites", which tells kids what to do (vs. what not to do)
      1. Walking feet (vs. stop running)
      2. Indoor/calm voice (vs. don't yell)
      3. Calm/gentle hands/body or hands/body to yourself (vs. don't push/hit/kick)
      4. Put your papers on your desk (vs. don't throw things)
3. Reinforce/catch them being good, even if it's tiny and expected 
   1. Includes positive opposites!
      1. For example: "Thank you for using your words; you made a helpful choice to rest your body; great job calmly/quietly/carefully/gently continuing with X," etc.
4. Do not educate or use this time as a teachable moment
   1. When kids are “melting down,” they are dysregulated, meaning that their frontal lobe (the thinking part of the brain) is essentially short-circuiting.
   2. Avoid criticisms/lecturing or questions about why the child engaged in a particular behavior or what to do instead. 
   3. Once your child has calmed down you can ask questions and talk about how your child can respond differently, and then practice.

You can learn more about the reasons behind meltdowns and defiance in this article (also written for teachers, but very helpful for caregivers and parents, too!) or this one.

If you have any questions or want to chat further about your child(ren), please don’t hesitate to reach out to me, your teacher(s), and/or Liz Silverman (K-2) or Gary Stern (3-6).